FOPO: Fear of People’s Opinions

Charles Cooley once wrote, “I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am.”


The question I always ask my clients is, “Who would you be in the absence of a story about yourself?” We often address this early in our coaching process, as it is quite apparent that most client’s stories of self are rooted in the past and are shaped by the hands of environmental opinions that they have accepted as truth. The well-meant thoughts, in conjunction with the venomous comments of friends, family and perceived superiors, amalgamate to form the sword that carves the block of one’s beliefs of self.


When we shape a story based on what we believe others truly think of us, we begin to live in a world of lack. Lack of self love, lack of self believe, lack of belonging. Our actions then tend to super-compensate for this lack, and we become the character that we think the world wants us to be. We desire to fit in and we leave in FOPO, as at an ancestral and innate level, we simply desire to fit in and to be loved. The ego and the subconscious mind work together to cultivate a character worth loving, even if this character is far from the real you. Living this way is exhausting. A daily conflict arises between our true nature and our desire to fit in and anxiety ensues. When our truth and our actions do not align, anxiety proliferates.

In contrast, when we shed the baggage of perceived public opinion, when we move away from seeking external validation and live our truth, anxiety levels decrease and the whole world becomes available to us.

Realise that the ego desires to fit in. To be held, to be loved and to be validated by the external world. Conversely, the soul desires to live freely. When we live in alignment with our true nature, we do not lose energy to resistance. We do not lose sleep in fear of what others think. We can simply be. And when we finally are able to be who we truly are, without the constant seeking for external validation or bending to fit in, our relationships with those who are truly important to us will blossom.

Whenever I dive into the battle that exists between being our true selves verses camouflaging into someone we are not to fit in with people’s perceived expectations and opinions, I am always reminded of the advice from Dr Seuss, “Be who you are and say how you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”

Your Ego is your Dance Partner, not your Enemy

Many connotations float around with the mention of the ‘Ego’.

Egotistical.

Arrogant.

Pretentious.

Lacking in Humility.

These ideas reflect a lack of understanding of what the ego is and how one’s ego embeds itself within one’s identity. The ego is the part of our mind that fuels off our insecurities and our desires. It feels the need to react, oppose, and speculate over everything through a lens of a perception that we have of ourselves.

Contrary to popular belief, even the strongest of egos aren’t necessarily ‘elitist’ by nature. If one believes that they are unlovable, unworthy or lacking in skills, the ego will adopt this persona and drip feed ideas and behaviours into you that reinforce these beliefs. If you believe, “I am unlovable”, the ego will suggest that you act in a way that pushes people away rather than toward you. You will reject compliments, go out of your way to avoid genuine connections with others and strengthen your unhealthy self-narrative in the process.

The corollary is also true. If one believes they are greater than everyone around them, they will lack humility and filter out any event that does not support their self-biased memoir.

The ego is an artist, created to sculpt and filter the variety of inputs we receive and process on a daily basis. It is also a general and its first desire is to protect. To protect our image of self, whether it be positive or negative, and to protect us from feeling any unanticipated rejection from the outside world.

The ego is not our enemy. It is part of who we are but it is not the true we. It is the voice that impersonates our truest self, but it is not our truest self. Where many people fall victim to the traps of the ego, is when they let it into the driver’s seat. If we think of the ego as a baby in the family car, it can add to the family dynamic and create a sense of loving harmony and purpose, but it should definitely not be strapped into the driver’s street while the car is in motion.

Instead of rejecting and fighting the ego, we must first learn to observe it. To not react to our thoughts or believe them to be gospel, but to hear them and begin to understand where they are coming from and whether or not they are trying to protect us, to lead us down a path or to reject the reality of life. As we learn to observe the ego but not react to it, we begin to remove it from the driver’s seat and place it safely in the booster seat in the back.

We can understand its workings but not be controlled by them. We can enter the dance and become the one who leads and not the one who follows. When we become the dance partner of our ego, the true nature of life and the world around us becomes a little bit more clear. We can develop an intimate relationship with reality and begin to experience mental and emotional freedom in our lives.

The more we try to fight and resist the ego, the stronger it will become.

Your Ego is your Dance Partner, not the Enemy.