FOPO: Fear of People’s Opinions
Charles Cooley once wrote, “I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am.”
The question I always ask my clients is, “Who would you be in the absence of a story about yourself?” We often address this early in our coaching process, as it is quite apparent that most client’s stories of self are rooted in the past and are shaped by the hands of environmental opinions that they have accepted as truth. The well-meant thoughts, in conjunction with the venomous comments of friends, family and perceived superiors, amalgamate to form the sword that carves the block of one’s beliefs of self.
When we shape a story based on what we believe others truly think of us, we begin to live in a world of lack. Lack of self love, lack of self believe, lack of belonging. Our actions then tend to super-compensate for this lack, and we become the character that we think the world wants us to be. We desire to fit in and we leave in FOPO, as at an ancestral and innate level, we simply desire to fit in and to be loved. The ego and the subconscious mind work together to cultivate a character worth loving, even if this character is far from the real you. Living this way is exhausting. A daily conflict arises between our true nature and our desire to fit in and anxiety ensues. When our truth and our actions do not align, anxiety proliferates.
In contrast, when we shed the baggage of perceived public opinion, when we move away from seeking external validation and live our truth, anxiety levels decrease and the whole world becomes available to us.
Realise that the ego desires to fit in. To be held, to be loved and to be validated by the external world. Conversely, the soul desires to live freely. When we live in alignment with our true nature, we do not lose energy to resistance. We do not lose sleep in fear of what others think. We can simply be. And when we finally are able to be who we truly are, without the constant seeking for external validation or bending to fit in, our relationships with those who are truly important to us will blossom.
Whenever I dive into the battle that exists between being our true selves verses camouflaging into someone we are not to fit in with people’s perceived expectations and opinions, I am always reminded of the advice from Dr Seuss, “Be who you are and say how you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”