Mental Yo-Yo: The Pendulum of the Modern Man

The Mind is Yo-Yo

Sometimes performing tricks.

Sometimes playing tricks.

The thinker of thoughts tries to control

The string around his finger as he casts the yo-yo down.

It spins of infinite possibilities.

Like a pendulum, it oscillates.

Will it swing in the direction of love, nurturing and connection?

Will is swing in the direction of business, growth and financial security?

Can we cut the string? Stop the motion? Find equilibrium in the middle?

Can we decide who is in control of the object?

A Yo-Yo

The opposing voices shout loudly in the mind of the Modern Man

Trying to be Present

Trying to provide Stability

In an environment that demands the pendulum swing only one way

And a reality in which survival depends on the other.

Be Careful with Your Words

The External Words that you speak, can quite possibly become the Internal Words of another.

As the speaker, we do not get to choose which spoken words are internalised by others. We only get to choose the words that conjure and release.

For the person who receives the words, who clings to the words, who believes the words. The potential poison that you have spoken, intended or not, could become their inner dialogue. The words which become the wardrobe of their soul. When one associates their inner invoice with their indentity and their true being, one begins to live their life as if they are simply playing out a self fulfilling prophecy.

If you have told someone that they are, “stupid”, even in jest; they may begin to lack focus, to find their memory is waning, to binge watch TV instead of reading books because “what is the point?” Their identity has been shaped by a loaded hammer and chisel.

If you tell a child that they cannot sing, they will give up on music.
If you tell a child that they cannot draw, they will never try their hand at art.
If you tell a child that they are not great at sport, their dreams of being an athlete will never eventuate.

Words are the wardrobe of the soul.
They shape one’s Identity.
Be Careful with your External Words as they may become the Internal Words of another.

FOPO: Fear of People’s Opinions

Charles Cooley once wrote, “I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am.”


The question I always ask my clients is, “Who would you be in the absence of a story about yourself?” We often address this early in our coaching process, as it is quite apparent that most client’s stories of self are rooted in the past and are shaped by the hands of environmental opinions that they have accepted as truth. The well-meant thoughts, in conjunction with the venomous comments of friends, family and perceived superiors, amalgamate to form the sword that carves the block of one’s beliefs of self.


When we shape a story based on what we believe others truly think of us, we begin to live in a world of lack. Lack of self love, lack of self believe, lack of belonging. Our actions then tend to super-compensate for this lack, and we become the character that we think the world wants us to be. We desire to fit in and we leave in FOPO, as at an ancestral and innate level, we simply desire to fit in and to be loved. The ego and the subconscious mind work together to cultivate a character worth loving, even if this character is far from the real you. Living this way is exhausting. A daily conflict arises between our true nature and our desire to fit in and anxiety ensues. When our truth and our actions do not align, anxiety proliferates.

In contrast, when we shed the baggage of perceived public opinion, when we move away from seeking external validation and live our truth, anxiety levels decrease and the whole world becomes available to us.

Realise that the ego desires to fit in. To be held, to be loved and to be validated by the external world. Conversely, the soul desires to live freely. When we live in alignment with our true nature, we do not lose energy to resistance. We do not lose sleep in fear of what others think. We can simply be. And when we finally are able to be who we truly are, without the constant seeking for external validation or bending to fit in, our relationships with those who are truly important to us will blossom.

Whenever I dive into the battle that exists between being our true selves verses camouflaging into someone we are not to fit in with people’s perceived expectations and opinions, I am always reminded of the advice from Dr Seuss, “Be who you are and say how you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”

Why our Health and Fitness Goals Fall Flat

Have you ever started on a health and fitness journey in pursuit of a desired goal, only to reach it and then rebound back to where you started? If this is you, you are certainly not alone. This is not an issue of time, money, or motivation, this is an issue of self-identity and belief.

You may have heard the old adage, “it is 10% Training and 90% Nutrition”, when it comes to achieving your goals. This is a wildly inaccurate statement. The truth is, it is 100% Mindset. If you do not address the root cause of why you are currently not where you want to be, if you do not address the lack of belief in yourself to get there and if you do not battle the inner demons that coax you into unhealthy spirals, your training and nutrition plans are meaningless.

It truly is 100% Mindset, because only with a focused, committed and free mind can we take and maintain healthy and sustainable approaches to training and nutrition.

I want you to now think about the following analogy, as I really believe it drives home this point, and then we can take a deeper dive into the mindset piece.

I want you to picture that you are dropping rocks into a still pond of water. Every time the rock hits the water, it creates a splash and precisely five ripples. The fifth ripple represents the outer layer or problem that we are all trying to fix. For the sake of an easy example, let us say that the “issue” that you desire to change is excess body-fat. The fifth ripple is analogous to this excess body-fat. It is in our human nature to try to solve this problem by addressing the fourth ripple, for the fifth can only occur due to the presence of the fourth (cause and effect). In this case, the fourth ripple could be lack of exercise. If we were to go one ripple in, the third may be the consumption of excess calories.

Now of course if we were to address and dampen ripples three and four, by eating less calories and moving more, we can reduce the magnitude of the fifth ripple (excess body fat) for a period of time. You might even be able to sustain this strategy for a year or more before the fifth ripple begins to intensify and the weight “stacks back on” again.

While addressing the third and fourth ripples is an obvious and acutely effectively strategy in the pond of excess body fat, the more effective strategy is obvious to any coach or observer who truly knows you.

The most effective strategy is this: Stop dropping the rocks into the pond.

Rather than focusing on the external and visual cause and effect, we need to start with the root cause. If we can work on and break down that self-imposed belief and/or limitation, we can break the habit of gaining excess body fat from within.

Why is it that an individual is likely to yo-yo on their fitness plans and rebound right back to where they started?

It is because of a deep-seeded belief of self and usually stems from a place of lack.

“I am not a fit person”, “I am not worthy of love”, “I seek food for comfort when I am feeling down”, “I have always and will always be overweight”, “My health is not as important as my job/salary”.

These beliefs are the negative autopilots of our mind, that eventually conquer a mind driven only by short term motivation or surface level desires.

When we can begin to transmute this negative conditioning, into self-worth, self-love and compassion, we can make lifelong, sustainable changes that align with our health and fitness goals.

If you are trying to remove the fifth ripple, stop dropping the rocks. Adherence to a realistic, goal-orientated plan becomes easy from here, as you are not trying to fight off the inevitable, but rather the inevitable exists in alignment with your desired health and fitness outcomes.

We are not Meant to ‘Find’ Meaning in our Lives

“When you find your purpose and meaning and live it everyday, you will never work a day in your life”.

We have heard many iterations of this idea and each version always conveys the idea of ‘finding’ purpose and ‘finding’ meaning. This concept implies that we are powerless in our own lives. That we are passive bystanders in our own journeys and that one day we will stumble upon our life’s purpose or meaning as if it were simply lying under a rock or was hidden behind a tree.

We are not supposed to be passive bystanders in our own lives. We are the author, the visionary and the director of our story. We are not so powerless as to have to wait for our meaning to be discovered and revealed to us. We have the power to create meaning in our lives. We are in the driver’s seat.

Placing the onus back on ourselves to create meaning in our world is ultimately more fulfilling than simply waiting to find a purpose. When we commit to this simple mindset shift, we begin to become more in-tune with our inner psyche and to learn about ourselves in the process of creating, shaping and becoming. We learn what we enjoy, where our passions lie, where we feel fulfilled and also where we feel drained, resentment and avoidant. The more integrated we become in mind, body and soul, the more likely we are to experience contentment in day to day life, gratitude for what we have and inspiration for that which we wish to become.

So how do we create meaning? The first step is to become an observer of self. What thoughts, emotions and actions arise when we are in particular settings and circumstances or around specific people? Observing these internal and external conditions allows us to map what fuels us and what takes us further away from our goals and dreams. When we begin to recognise these patterns, we can visualise what path energises us in body and soul. That is our path. That is our passion.

The next step is to communicate and share energy with others. What is it that you do well, that serves other people and simultaneously delivers a sense of personal reward and satisfaction? Take note of how the people around you respond to what you have to offer. As your skills and passion begin to align with a target market of beneficiaries, you have created a path of service to others through leveraging that which you love.

If you find that you are struggling to marry your passion and energy with the creation of a service for other people, research the field and look at what successful people in the area have done. Success leaves clues. You may have to refine your approach over time, but if you truly know what it is that you want to do and you know that this product/service offers value to other people, you will create a way to improve the lives of others through your passion and purpose.

Step 1: Observe

Step 2: Communicate and Share

Step 3: Refine

Another angle to consider exists outside the world of careers and entrepreneurism. Many people do not ‘find’ meaning and purpose in their work, but in their role at home, as a parent, carer, partner or sibling. This is incredibly fine and does not make you any less successful than those who create meaning in their career. If you decide that your goal and purpose in life is to be the most present parent or supportive partner, that is a powerfully valid and admirable decision. What would it take to be that parent or partner? Observe, Communicate, Refine and Continue.

Create the path, do not passively wait until the day you by chance stumble upon it.

We don’t find meaning in life. We have more power than that.

We create meaning in life.

You are the author, you hold the pen and the next chapter is yours to write.

Mindfulness: Understanding this Powerful Antidote to Stress

Mindfulness and Meditation are not one in the same. Where meditation aims to strip back the external noise and dive into the role of an observer to one’s own feelings, mindfulness aims to fill the mind; to be truly “Mind-Full”, with the realities of the present moment.

The purpose behind immersing the mind into the sights and sounds of the present is based upon the idea that most of our anxiety and stress exists in the past or the future. We feel stress when we direct our focus onto actions and decisions or traumas existing in our history and we feel anxious when we look towards the tasks or events that we must complete/attend in the future. It is incredibly rare that our stress, outside of direct conflict, lives in the present moment. When one feels in a state of mental and emotional dis-ease, as thoughts of the past or future arise, taking an intimate trip into the present is often the acute antidote needed to return to contentment.

Here are two simple Mindfulness practices that you can employ the next time you begin to feel your consciousness wander into the past or future:

5-4-3-2-1 

This exercise gives you a framework for bringing you right back into the present moment. When you begin to feel stressed, take a breath and soak in your surroundings.

What 5 things can you see?

What 4 things can you touch?

What 3 things can you hear?

What 2 things can you smell?

What 1 thing can you taste?

You can not accurately complete this exercise without conscious concentration. Conclude the exercise with a deep inhale and exhale and take the next right step in your day.

3-3-Sense

Similar to the 5-1 exercise, the 3-3-Sense approach utilises your breathing patterns and senses to put your mind where your body is.

To perform this exercise, you will perform a nasal inhale for three seconds, hold the breath for three seconds and then slowly exhale through your mouth. While exhaling, direct your attention towards one of your senses at a time.

On the first slow exhale, you might think about what you can physically feel.

On the second exhale, you might think about what you can hear and so on, until all of your five senses have had their share of the present moment spotlight. Conclude the exercise with a deep inhale and exhale and take the next right step in your day.

As you strengthen your mindfulness practice, you will find that your default mode becomes one of present moment focus and not one that drifts into the muddy waters of the past or future. When you do feel symptoms of stress and anxiety begin to creep in, breathe out and beat the overwhelm one sense at a time.

Mindfulness is freely accessible at any time to anyone and is an incredibly powerful antidote to stress.

Your Ego is your Dance Partner, not your Enemy

Many connotations float around with the mention of the ‘Ego’.

Egotistical.

Arrogant.

Pretentious.

Lacking in Humility.

These ideas reflect a lack of understanding of what the ego is and how one’s ego embeds itself within one’s identity. The ego is the part of our mind that fuels off our insecurities and our desires. It feels the need to react, oppose, and speculate over everything through a lens of a perception that we have of ourselves.

Contrary to popular belief, even the strongest of egos aren’t necessarily ‘elitist’ by nature. If one believes that they are unlovable, unworthy or lacking in skills, the ego will adopt this persona and drip feed ideas and behaviours into you that reinforce these beliefs. If you believe, “I am unlovable”, the ego will suggest that you act in a way that pushes people away rather than toward you. You will reject compliments, go out of your way to avoid genuine connections with others and strengthen your unhealthy self-narrative in the process.

The corollary is also true. If one believes they are greater than everyone around them, they will lack humility and filter out any event that does not support their self-biased memoir.

The ego is an artist, created to sculpt and filter the variety of inputs we receive and process on a daily basis. It is also a general and its first desire is to protect. To protect our image of self, whether it be positive or negative, and to protect us from feeling any unanticipated rejection from the outside world.

The ego is not our enemy. It is part of who we are but it is not the true we. It is the voice that impersonates our truest self, but it is not our truest self. Where many people fall victim to the traps of the ego, is when they let it into the driver’s seat. If we think of the ego as a baby in the family car, it can add to the family dynamic and create a sense of loving harmony and purpose, but it should definitely not be strapped into the driver’s street while the car is in motion.

Instead of rejecting and fighting the ego, we must first learn to observe it. To not react to our thoughts or believe them to be gospel, but to hear them and begin to understand where they are coming from and whether or not they are trying to protect us, to lead us down a path or to reject the reality of life. As we learn to observe the ego but not react to it, we begin to remove it from the driver’s seat and place it safely in the booster seat in the back.

We can understand its workings but not be controlled by them. We can enter the dance and become the one who leads and not the one who follows. When we become the dance partner of our ego, the true nature of life and the world around us becomes a little bit more clear. We can develop an intimate relationship with reality and begin to experience mental and emotional freedom in our lives.

The more we try to fight and resist the ego, the stronger it will become.

Your Ego is your Dance Partner, not the Enemy.